Tips for Introducing Bodily Autonomy, Consent, & Healthy Sexuality to Toddlers and Babies

I’m a firm believer that parents and families are our kids’ first and primary sexuality educators. Especially in this time when federal comprehensive sex education funding is getting slashed and there’s no guarantee your school-aged child in North Carolina will get any sex ed at all at school, family conversations about sexual health are more important than ever.

So how early can you start?

Earlier than you think! 

Many parents think of the single, awkward “birds and the bees” talk when they consider talking to their child(ren) about sex. Perhaps that’s all you got when you were growing up! But research shows that scaffolding conversations about sexual health, starting at younger ages, can help prevent child sexual abuse and lead to healthier sexual relationships in the future. So think of the “sex talk” as actually many little talks that can begin as early as you want with developmentally appropriate information. Providing our babies and toddlers with some foundational knowledge about core concepts like consent, body literacy, and diversity can go a long way to make the actual preteen/teen sex talk way less awkward and way more effective.

Sexuality actually includes a lot more than just intercourse! We can introduce many of these topics in an age-appropriate way when our children are babies and toddlers to set them up for healthy relationships with their bodies and their peers. Learn more about the model here.

As a mom of a newborn and 2.5 year old and a professional sexuality educator, here are some topics I’ve already brought up with my kiddos. Check them out to see if any resonate with you!

Naming Body Parts

I actually do this with my newborn! As soon as our babies are born, they have body parts–including sexual/reproductive body parts. As they are learning to move their bodies and form language, we can help them by using the anatomical words for all of their body parts. When they wiggle their hands, we can say, “Look at those amazing hands!” When we wipe their bottoms, we can say, “I’m wiping your vulva!” When we clean them in the bath, we can say, “Here are your penis and your scrotum!” When they stare at us with those huge baby eyes, we can say, “Look at those beautiful eyes!”

From Lovevery.

We don’t need to shy away from teaching terms for sexual/reproductive body parts; in fact, naming them alongside other body parts can help normalize them, reduce the likelihood of developing shame around them, and help prevent child sexual abuse. (Think about it: As soon as children can form words, they can use those words to tell a safe adult when someone is touching those body parts. If they say “Somebody touched my cookie at school,” you may miss a potential child abuse situation–”cookie” is a slang term for vulva in some families.)

It’s also really common for young babies and children to touch their own genitals. This is developmentally normal, and for me and my partner, it was something we didn’t want to discourage. We don’t want our kids to grow up with shame around touching their body, and as a sexuality educator, I knew that masturbation can actually promote body literacy and lend to more satisfying sexual lives later in life. So whenever our children touch their genitals at home, we either don’t say anything at all or say, in a very neutral tone, “oh, you’re touching your penis.” (See the section on “Public vs Private” below to continue this conversation!)

Consent Before Touching

I started this with my babies as well! You might be wondering, how do you ask consent from a preverbal baby? I introduced the concept early by telling my babies whenever I clean their chests or genitals that I am doing so. I will say, “Ok, I’m wiping your vulva now!” or “I’m cleaning your anus!” I don’t do it every single time I change a diaper–I’m thinking particularly about those times when I’ve got a screaming baby on the changing table, demanding to be fed–but I do it often enough that it’s now become a habit with my toddler’s diaper changes and baths.

When your kiddo starts being able to offer hugs and kisses, you can begin truly asking for and respecting their consent. You can offer choices: “Would you like to kiss Daddy goodnight or give him a high five?” or ask before touching: “Can I give you a hug?” This modeling can help teach the language and practice of consent to our under-2-year-olds.

Respect the “No”

Be warned: there will be a (heartbreaking) time when your little cutie will begin asserting her independence and say “No, Mommy!” to many of your bids for kisses and hugs. It’s important to RESPECT that. I found it really hard to move from kissing my cute little baby all the time to refraining from kissing my cute little toddler when he started being able to have a choice in the matter. 

But we had language for this already. Whenever we tickle our toddler–or swing him around or give him big squishes to get the wiggles out–we stop immediately when he says “no” or “stop.” We say, “I respect your ‘no.’” Then we ask if he wants more or if he’s had enough.

From The Washington Post.

I’ve also offered the language, “It’s your body, so it’s your choice” and model it myself. When my toddler demands that I play with him on the floor but only sit in that specific spot (“No, mommy! Come here!”), I often will say, “I’m ok sitting right where I am. I get to choose what I do with my body.” This kind of language can support an early understanding of bodily autonomy.

Identifying Safe Adults

As soon as my toddler was verbal enough (around 2-ish I’d say), we started introducing the concept of grown-ups vs kids and then establishing safe grown-ups. So we’d ask him, “Who can you go to for help?” and he’d name “Daddy, Grandma, Mommy” (in that order because of course I’m chopped liver these days). We keep reinforcing that every so often, which can help for preventing and responding to situations of sexual abuse.

Public vs. Private

You can expand the safe adult conversation by introducing public vs private spaces. I just started introducing public vs private to my 2.5 year old, although we technically started even earlier; we have a “clothes have to be worn outside the house” rule that we had to start to get him to put clothes on ever. Already he has a sense that something is different about being inside the house vs outside the house in terms of how he presents his body.

During bath time one day around when he turned 2.5, I introduced a song about Private Parts that went viral on TikTok. This helped introduce the idea that some of his body parts are different than others; some of his body parts should only be shown and/or touched in private. After singing the song, we had a brief (as in 2-3 sentences) conversation about who can touch his private parts and when. It generally was along the lines of, “Mommy and Daddy touch your private parts in the shower/bath to keep them clean. [These safe grown-ups] touch your bottom to wipe your butt after you poop/pee. Your doctor touches your private parts at the doctor’s office to make sure they’re healthy. If you ever don’t feel comfortable, tell Mommy/Daddy/other safe adult.” I don’t think he understands that last part yet (about not feeling comfortable) but with reinforcement over the years, I think it will begin to make more sense.

From tiktok.

Exploring Gender

This sexuality concept starts as early as finding out the sex of the baby–what clothes you’re going to buy, what toys you’ll offer, what pronouns you’ll use for your baby. We’ve opted for a “gender-lite” approach, in which we dress our kiddos in mostly gender neutral outfits and use more gender neutral words like “kid” instead of “girl/boy” while still following some gendered concepts like boy’s haircuts, for example. I believe strongly in allowing my children to explore gender, pursue things that interest them, and not shut down anything because “that’s only what girls wear.” This is a highly sensitive and personal topic, however, and I encourage you to do what feels best for your family! But I will say from a sexuality educator perspective, I have not found a need to introduce gender concepts like girl/boy/man/woman at this point. My toddler knows that some people have a penis and some people have a vulva but he doesn’t associate those with any gender at this point. I’d love for my kids to continue to explore and try things out at this age.

Exploring Diversity

I think it’s also really important to start discussing sexual diversity from a young age, with an emphasis on respect and the value of all humans. This helps prime conversations about gender, sexual orientation, and sexual diversity that we’ll have later on. I often recommend using books that showcase a wide variety of bodies and families to introduce the basic concepts that we’re all unique (our bodies and our families) and diversity is wonderful. Some of our favorite books have been Bodies are Cool by Tyler Feder, Families Can by Dan Saks, and Your Whole Body: From Your Head to Your Toes, and Everything in Between! By Lizzie DeYoung Charbonneau. I also like the Being YOU series but found them to be a little too advanced for now. I’ll probably wait til preschool/kindergarten (maybe later?) before really pulling out the vocabulary.

My favorite book that celebrates body diversity!

I hope this helps! For all things healthy sexuality, be sure to also check out my favorite resource, Sex Positive Families, which has a resource list full of books, games, and media you can curate by age, type, and topic.

Preventing Teen Pregnancy in the Dominican Republic

In Feburary 2019, I went to the Dominican Republic with Canadian charity Rubens Shoes to launch my sexual and reproductive health program “BodyTalk”. I had a blast working with the amazing teachers of Centro Educativo Toribio and watching the kids giggle while they learn about their bodies. Read my trip report below, with lots of pictures!

Day 1 of the sexual and reproductive health teacher training in the Dominican Republic! I led a training for ten facilitators to learn to teach HIV prevention, gender equity, consent, and how to prevent sexual assault.

 The Dominican Republic is a strong Catholic country. Participants pointed out that, while their personal faith encouraged them to learn and teach sexual health and education, their church is also a space where rampant sexual abuse occurs.

One participant explained that she liked the part of the training where we emphasized the fact that women and girls have power. This is so important for preventing abuse, which is rampant in the DR. Learning to communicate, understanding consent, and knowing how to find help is crucial for young people, especially girls, to feel safe and to avoid risky situations.

Another participant: “I didn’t know there was a medicine you could take to prevent HIV before actually getting it!” (It’s called PrEP—learn more) While it’s unclear whether PrEP is available in the DR, it’s still key to know that if you think you’ve been exposed, you should talk to a health professional about your options.

Through games and activities, the participants were engaged and ready to try some sample lessons on their own.

Day 2. A total of 10 teachers graduated from the program and are excited to start implementing at their school.

 A brave facilitator practiced giving a condom demonstration today. A shocking number of participants, including my 22-year-old translator, had never seen a condom demonstration before. “Do all condoms really have lubricant?!” “Why is lubricant necessary?” “I never knew you were supposed to leave space at the tip of the condom!” Negotiating condom use in a country where a mere 2% of the population uses condoms is tough; learning that it’s your right to demand their use can be life changing and empowering for women.

We then discussed birth control options, some of which were familiar and some were not. Many birth control options are not available in the DR or are only available at expensive, private clinics. Demanding that restrictive governments increase access to contraception is key for women’s health and wellbeing.

One participant shared, “After the first day of training, I decided that I need to share this information with people at my church. They need to know, too. Thank you for teaching us!” Another said, “When I went home after the training, my 18-year-old niece started looking at the material and she was so interested—she couldn’t stop looking! It was good to share this information!”

We also had a meeting for the parents, to get them on board with their kids learning this invaluable information and to make sure we have permission to teach. Some parents expressed concern about “pro-sex” programs and wanted to emphasize that they teach their kids to abstain like good children should. It’s tricky explaining that with comprehensive information, kids have the ability to make better, healthier choices (which often includes delaying first sex), but by the end, the overwhelming majority wanted the program for their kids and were even asking for their older youth to participate, too.

Time to convince those parents…

Day 3. We held a workshop on reproductive health topics for a group of kids ages 12-15. What began with a room full of silence and awkward teenagers turned into an empowering space for youth to discuss consent, preventing sexual abuse, goals, and gender equality.

In the workshop, the kids passed around a menstrual pad, hot potato style, with no one wanting to touch it, while normalizing periods and discussing how men and boys can support their sisters and female family members during their periods. We practiced setting long-term goals and talked about how having a child too early can affect goals like finishing school. The kids practiced asking “Can I give you a high-5? Can I give you a hug?” and discussed how asking for consent can prevent sexual assault.

 The most powerful activity was hearing the kids practice saying “no”. Unfortunately, we live in a world where 35% of women will experience sexual assault in their lifetime. The kids stood in a circle and practiced touching each other on the shoulder while saying in a strong, confident voice: “Do not touch my shoulder.” Amongst the giggles, there was the start of building confidence and understanding their rights. Having that confidence and that ownership over their bodies is so important to having healthy sexual relationships.

Testing their knowledge on puberty

Practicing consent

Practicing communication skills

Writing long-term goals

Day 4. I can’t believe it’s already the last day! Despite the chaos of starting a new class, our new facilitators pulled off their first lesson on anatomy today. Twenty-two students in grades 4 and 5 were present. The boys, being 10-year-old boys, giggled and wiggled a lot and asked why their penis is so wrinkly and why the vulva is weird. The girls were so excited to learn and asked questions nonstop, putting their new teachers to the test. The program will run for 9 weeks and will continue throughout the year.

Many thanks to Rubens Shoes for their support of this program and to Centro Educativo Toribio for their awesome teachers and kiddos! #SexEdMatters y’all.

Guess that body part for the boys

Guess that body part. “How many breasts are there again…?”