“Let Me Try That:” What Ordering a Beer May Say About Your Sex Life–and How You Embrace Your Gender

I got the idea to write this post from a friend who bartends. Alex is the nicest man you’ll ever meet and has a face everyone thinks they recognize, although he mostly just looks like Jesus. He has been in the service industry for many years and has had a first hand look at how people communicate their needs and wants in some of the most well-traveled places: bars and coffee shops.

When I asked about how his most recent bartending job has been going, Alex responded with both positivity (he loves his job!) and some frustrations. As a sexuality educator, my ears perked up when he started explaining some themes he’d noticed while working at the bar.

“A lot of people often say, ‘Let me try that’ in reference to a beer,” Alex said. “Some people mean, ‘Let me get a sample of that, let me taste that’ but other people mean ‘Give me a whole pint of beer.’ As the bartender, I have to try to figure out what they mean.”

This kind of indirect tiptoeing around what we really mean is really common in sexual situations. For example, when we ask somebody, “Hey, do you wanna hook up?” it can be really unclear what we mean by that. Do you mean have sex? Make out? Use our fingers? What are we talking about here? 

Of course I wanted to learn more. I wondered if the gender of the person asking made any difference in their language or what they meant, so I asked Alex.

“Typically, when women say ‘I want to try that,’” Alex explained, “I know they want a sample. With men, I have to clarify by asking ‘Do you want a sample or do you just want to buy the beer?’ I’m never sure what they want.”

Alex added, “Men are sometimes a little surprised when I have to clarify. They thought they were communicating perfectly.”

He thought this might be because men are generally used to getting what they want in our society, especially white men. (He said that while he didn’t have a large sample size, he’d noticed that people of color regardless of gender asked for more samples than white men do. And that older white men tended to get overwhelmed by new options and ended up sticking with the same Pilsener that they know and love.) 

We do live in a patriarchal society that structurally supports white people (do I even bother citing this?) so he might not be far off…. 

Alex said that in his experience, “Women are more likely to try different things and when they know what they want, they’re more direct--‘I want that.’ Women get what they feel like, and men get what they know, what they’re most comfortable with.”

While of course these are gross generalizations (and how do non-binary and intersex people ask for a beer??), research has shown that men often use language to assert dominance and women tend to be “more expressive, tentative, and polite in conversation” according to some scholars (Leaper, 1991; Maltz & Borker, 1982; Wood, 1996; Mason, 1994; Basow & Rubenfield, 2003 as cited in Merchant, 2012).  

According to Alex, who also works at a local cafe, these gendered trends in communication styles and decision-making manifest beyond the bar and at the coffee shop as well.

“Big groups of businessmen are always coming into the coffee shop,” said Alex, “with their briefcases and suits, and asking each other, ‘What are you getting? What are you getting?’ Then they get whatever everybody else gets, which is usually a black coffee.”

He’s even seen guys get a black coffee and then pour out half of it to add sugar and milk, rather than order a sweetened latte or cappuccino. 

I do kinda love the image of big businessmen looking frantically around at whatever everybody else is getting to know what they should order.

It seems to me that in a lot of ways, traditional gender roles are showing up in how we order beers and coffee. According to societal expectations, men are supposed to know and like beer, to be assertive and confident, to know what they want and get it quickly and easily. Men also hold more positions of power and therefore are perhaps more accustomed to having individuals know what they want and need. Real men definitely don’t drink frappuccinos. 

Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be more passive, emotional, and indecisive. We’re not supposed to know that much about beer or even like it, but we are allowed to be frilly, so ordering an iced caramel macchiato with oat milk is on brand.

Even writing out these gender expectations, especially about women, makes me angry. Men and boys should be allowed to not know what they want and to explore different things to find what they like the best. Women should not have to feel ashamed and unconfident in their exploration of finding what tastes good. And what about all the people who don’t fit into these stereotypical norms? 

In my line of work, I see these hurtful norms showing up in sex a ton, too.

Due to societal expectations, men and boys often show up to sexual relationships thinking they need to be super confident, assertive, and dominant, that they need to be the one to initiate all sexual activities, and that they should always know what they’re doing. They don’t often learn how to communicate empathetically with others and may get upset when they aren’t understood right away (which apparently happens pretty often at the bar when it’s super busy and guys don’t get their beer right away, says Alex). 

Women and girls learn to be more receptive and not as confident in communicating what they want in bed and with intimate partners. However, at least according to our examples of the bar and coffee shop, women are more open to trying lots of different things.

These socialized preconceptions of gender--how we’re supposed to act, think, and communicate--are getting in the way of us having better experiences and communicating what we need and want clearly.

So how can we do better?

I love the idea of normalizing exploration and collaborative decision-making. We don’t often see this in our media, but our sex could be so much more fulfilling and pleasure-filled if we incorporate having a pre-sex conversation into our sexual interactions. Discuss what you both like, any fears or boundaries you have, your health status (have you both been tested for STIs recently? How are you planning to use contraception (or not)?), and things you want to try. Taking a page out of many bar-frequenting women, let’s normalize this exploration for men, too. 

Respectfully. I can see Alex shaking his fist at me with this sudden increase in asking for samples at the bar.

Learning to communicate clearly, though, is also helpful in the bedroom–and the bar–and helps reduce frustration and anxiety. If you are typically an indecisive–or even people-pleasing–person, work towards developing confidence in yourself and your needs. Practice asking for what you want in everyday situations and not questioning your need for it. As a people-pleaser myself, I’ve found it helpful to surround myself with self-care reminders that say things like, “You are worthy,” “You are powerful,” “You’ve got this.” (It sounds silly, but it works!) Write down what you want to say, or practice difficult conversations with a friend, especially if having conversations about sex make you nervous. Get comfortable with sexual terminology. You could even share with your partner that you often get nervous expressing your needs and have them support you in asking you questions or probing for your response.

If you don’t feel nervous asking for and getting what you want in the bedroom, consider ways you could better tune into your partner(s). What cues can you notice in their body language and verbal responses? Are they into this? Do they seem hesitant? How can you better clarify or communicate with them? Work on challenging your frustration when you’re not understood (mindfulness and meditation practices are great for this!). Even at the bar, consider how your bartender looks and feels. Are they frazzled? Super busy? 

And lastly, how can we develop confidence in acting in ways that feel right to us, that may or may not fall into societal gender expectations? A friend of mine once led an exercise on gender joy and helped me realize just how many ways we already defy gender roles and expectations. For example, I use men’s deodorant on the reg (it’s sooo much better than women’s versions!) and use Irish Spring soap instead of Dove. I’m defying gender expectations just in my hygiene routine. How can we continue developing confidence in these choices we already make to do what works best for us and spread that confidence into other areas of our lives?

So that’s my take. How would Alex like us to order a coffee or a beer? 

“Just take a couple seconds to look at the menu, decide what you want, then confidently say it.”

“Oh,” he added. “And be respectful of those around you.” So getting that venti nonfat organic chocolate brownie frappuccino with oat milk extra whip double blended with two shots of caramel syrup when there’s a huge line behind you is maybe not the best move.

References:
https://scholarship.claremont.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1521&context=cmc_theses).

“Hey Guys!” Why we say it and why it’d be nice if we didn’t

“Hey guys! Wanna grab some pizza?”

“You’re doing great, guys!”

“I love you guys!”

The amount of times we use “guys” on the daily to refer to a group we’re with is pretty much innumerable. We use the term “guys” for all types of groups: groups of males only, groups with mixed genders, groups of all women…. And we use it everywhere: in our speech, our writing, our media. 

Seriously, look back through your texts or pay attention when you talk to your friend group next time you venture outside your homes. How many times do you or someone else use the word “guys”?

Despite using this term so freaking much myself, I’ve started cringing whenever I hear the word “guys” now. (The amount of cringing happening on the daily might be why I have to see a masseuse so often these days….)

While it may seem like not that big a deal, the pervasive use of “guys” to describe any mixed gender or non-male group denies the existence of women, non-binary friends, and gender fluid folks. 

That’s a little harsh, you might say.

That’s not my intention!, you may say.

Hear me out. When we use the word “guys” to describe all groups of gender diverse humans, we make “guys” or “maleness” the norm. It’s a quiet assumption, probably not intentional, but it’s a subtle way that maleness becomes normalized as the given, as the generic or “go to.”

Well, it’s not hurting anyone, right? So why does it matter?

This language is subtle but it’s part of a larger system that privileges men and boys. Maybe using the word “guys” all the time wouldn’t be so bad if we lived in a world where women were treated equally in the workplace; where people didn’t tell trans folks that they don’t exist, that they’re “just pretending;” or where males didn’t dominate most leadership positions in our country.

The ways that women move through the world are often not honored, recognized, and valued in the same way that men’s ways of being are. Just take a look at the gender pay gap or how women aren’t able to speak up in meetings. It’s even worse for non-binary and trans folks: consider how we only have two gender options to tick on most forms or the amount of bullying, suicide, and murders against trans and non-binary individuals.

Gender norms are all wrapped up in this emphasis on maleness. We have so many rules about how men and women are supposed to be, look, and act–and this has real impact too.

According to the CDC, adhering to traditional gender norms is a major risk factor for perpetration of sexual violence. 

Thinking that men need to be aggressive, confident, loud, and dominant leaders and that women need to be silent, withdrawn receptacles is a main cause of 1 in 6 American women being a victim of rape or attempted rape in their lifetime and almost 1 in 2 transgender folks being sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime. We’re just not respected or given the same power and space as men.

As a sexuality educator and consultant, I do a lot of work with young people on breaking down the gender binary and examining harmful norms. We do activities that examine how restrictive gender norms that dictate how women and men are “supposed” to behave can cause oppression for some and stress and unhappiness for others. All of us end up feeling pressure to behave a certain way and are afraid of being bullied or ostracized if we don’t conform.

I’m always amazed by how far ahead our youth are, even than us Millennials. More and more when I do these activities, especially ones that introduce gender identity models like the Gender Unicorn or the Genderbread Person, my students tell me, “Leslie, we’re just so over gender.” They talk about a post-gender society, about not strongly identifying with gender at all, about not understanding what all the hype is about. 

I couldn’t even convince them with this model from the Trevor Project where you place single or multiple dots based on how you identify your gender.

“People should just be who they want–the labels don’t matter,” they tell me.

Taking a page out of their book, young folks and LGBTQ+ communities both have great examples of alternative language we can use that de-emphasizes gender and subsequently, decenters maleness.

Next time you’re tempted to say, “hey guys!”, consider trying out “Hey friends or folks or y’all!” instead.

Want to make your language more gender neutral in general? Check out this guide.

And with that, thanks for reading guy–I mean, folks!